masked

I'm alone to face the world with only a mask to shield my true feelings. I convince ma self that I'm OK so it will be easy to convince others that I'm on top of the world but who I'm i deceiving? even my mum can c through me and it hurts that i cant use this mask to shied ma self from her. Ive got so much to let out and so much to say but no 1 will ever possibly understand what it is I'm going through. But Ive but others through worse and secretly i hate my self for it. times like that i wish i could change but i can't. i can only make things better but how? i can't focus people.

broke

All i see is roads so straight for everyone, i look around and i see trees that have grown with not a scratch or a broken branch in sight. I then look at my tree everything is broken, nothing is growing. I start to doubt my self thinking will it ever grow?

I feed the plant, i give it water, i give it everything it needs but it still don't grow. All thats left is the broken branches and marks that I've left on it that wont go away. I pray that one day my tree with grow straight.

happy

Right now i feel like the happiest women on the planet seriously. I meant yes me and him have had loads of arguments but right now I've near seen the future look so bright. Where finally at a stage where nothing matters. I on the stages of planning a big surprise but i ain't tell you not just yet :) but i really how it really makes him happy because I've been running around like crazy trying to sort this out of our year anniversary, i no its in like 2months but i like to be prepare in advance and hate doing last min this because then things never go to plan. But I'm so happy, i am really happy. Most of all I'm proud of myself.

I love him with my heart and nothing is gonna take that away for me he's worked so hard to win ma heart and he succeed but i ain't gonna give up that easier when his got my heart. I'm only hurting myself.

So imma do everything in my power to make him happy! he deserves to be happy even though his a bitch at times but o well so I'm i :)

Cheap shoes

Cheap shoes
I’m not trying to be funny. But have you ever had the problem with cheap shoes. You may think yes! That’s a bargaining but after a week it feels like your walking on the ground. When your shoes start talking after a week there’s a problem. When you feel bare stones in between your toes, then you know what time it is. What madness!!!!!. The worse is when you it get hit by the rain and your shoes are wetter then you!!!! WHAT! How the hell does that work, to the point that you have to take all the cobwebs and the brunches that are sticking to your foot. Madness!!

I see so many talking shoes from the front, left side, right side and even the back side and people walk around like its normal!! No way!! Seriously it time for us to fix up and start investing in quality shoes that last longer because if we continue with the suffering that cheap shoes bring us,

If you think about it We are actually spending more money buying a lot of cheap shoes then if had brought one quality shoe.

Think about it. The choice is yours.

This is a real man

I know what i want and it's him that i want , i know what i need and it him that i need, i know what i have and it's him that i have. I would not be progressing it was not for him, he made me a better person he was my inspiration.

He always put me before himself, when i was sick he was my night light he stay up just to make sure i was ok and that i was breathing, when i was in pain he was in pain, he would take me to the doctors, would run after looking from medication for me, how didn't even care if he had the money or not what mattered to him was that i was ok... All he wanted was to make me happy and if he couldn't make me happy he was upset. When i was going through things at home, he was always by my side, when i had to wake up earlier hours of the morning just to go to work he would wake up earlier also well just walk me there and make sure i was OK and walk back home and sleep. He didn't care if people though what he was doing for me was crazy. He did it because he cared and he loved me. When i had a religious month and times were hard but i never told no one not even him, he was there to help me through that period, every day he would buy me a fruit and would have made food for me when i came home to break my fast.

This is a real man and he is the realest of the real and that's not even all.

This guy as done everything for me and he has given me everything he can give me. His helped my family out on many occasions and travels 3-4hours every two or so week just to come and see me and he never ever asks for nothing in return but my love and honestly.

When i was always angry with him for no reason and it was my thought he would buy me flowers to say his sorry even though he knew he was not in the wrong. He would try and surprise me with boxes of chocolate and flowers with a note I'm them saying how sorry he was when he didn't even do anything.

Even when he was broke we walked an hour or so walk just to drop of so flowers to my room mate and walk and hour or some back home in the dark.

This is a real man

He took his time to get to know me and learn and adapt with my character because we were so different.

When i was along and i had nobody, he was there to light a smile on my face. When i was angry he was there to hold my hand.

This is a real man.

Worse of all this is only the beginning of what his done for me..

GONE

The light that sparked high and bright is no longer lightable, all is lost and confusion is gained. The castle we built and defended has now swept away with only the remains of whats left.

We lost a war that we only just began..

I know ..

Things blow out of proportion alot was said and none what taken back. I feel like a balloon that had just popped in thin air, sercets out with no where to hide.

Now i'm facing the music with no explaination what so ever. Now we have to live with it because it too later to turn back time.

I know now how i feel and everything makes sense. I seeing clearer now and planning as already began. Whatever decision we make either way i will still be on my feet.

realising...

Since i have not been talking to him i've realised so much. I've realised i've lost myself deeper then i thought i knew. I get told by a lot of people that i've changed, people don't wanna talk to me because they know i either won't pick up the phone or i'm with him. I have no time for others, my time is always for the person i say i love. I aint blaming it on him. I blame myself for getting too caught up in this relationship. I forgotten who my friends are and i've forgotten the people that even got me to where i am today. What a selfish person i am. It's like i've lost site of who i really am and worse of all i never used to lie. I was the realest on the real not i'm the fakest of the fake. I feel that must of me changed for the good but a big part of me changed for Love. I don't know who i am anymore and i need to find myself before it's too late. Right now my head is all over the place and i just don't know who to turn to!!! i turned to people that doubted us from the beginning, I turned to people have seen all the dramas and then i turned to people who i once called my bestfriends.

Now my head isclear again. When they need me where was i? When they were going through their tough times , where was i? Even when i was not their for them they are still here for me. When I was going through shit, they were still here through thick and thin. So kind of friend does that make me?

He has changed me in so many ways that no one has ever changed me and could never change. He did that. He taught me how to love, he made me fall in love with him. He showed me things i never thought existed.

I LOVE HIM, I LOVE HIM, I LOVE HIM, I LOVE HIM, I LOVE HIM, I LOVE HIM, I LOVE HIM.

But he needs to let me grow, i'm still young i need to enjoy myself and most of all.. i need to be me. It's like i'm walking before i even knew how to crawl and that's how i honestly feel. I've been to busy trying to make him happy that i've forgotten about the people around me.. even the people that were in my life way before he came along now they no longer exist.

All i can say right now is either he loves me for who i am and for what i do or he don't. When we first meet, he know me for me and like me for me so why now after 10 months! he wants to change? why? why? why?. It like i called breath but now i can no longer breath. I can our breath when he says it's alright to breath.

I changed because i love him and because i knew he was worth changing for. I wanted to make i'm happy and i knew changing would make him happy, so i changed.

But what about my happiness? it's like he don't care if it hurts me, it was like he only care about if he got what he wanted. Both ways were pain full so he left me no option. So i choose what he wanted and now i'm living with it and he has the decence to tell me that it's cause i wanna go raving!!! what the heck man! Does me giving it up mean nothing at all to you?

I've let thing like this slip through to many times and i've had enough. He never lets me get away with saying things like that so why should he get away with it.

I know it sound tlike i'm blaming him for how i feel but i'm not him been so so good to me he's been more then an angel to me and he has never done nothing to hurt me. He my night and shining armor and his the love of my life even though times are tough we still get through them. I love him and he loves me and thats that.

Anger!!!

Right at this present moment I am so so angry how can he say that after all we have been through and after what I give up for him and he tries to drop that shit on me saying I’m selfish and how I disrespect wtf!!!! I do flipping angry serious because what I said had nothing!! Nothing at all to do with what I promised and he goes again and uses the shit against me. This is the type of shit I talk about we people say that don’t judge you they need to look the fucking word up in the fucking dictionary because it not fucking on. I told exactly why I was not sure about this relationship and he basically told me I had a secret plan all along fuck u how the fuck can you say sure thing!! Yea I’m smart yea I know that I’m good at what I do went I do it doubt about that but that does not prove anything! I’m sick and tired of the continual accusations that are approaching too often. I have not done anything wrong and the get a custard pie thrown in my face. What for? Just for saying what on my mind and telling you that I want to think about it. These are the reasons why. You keep pushing and pushing and pushing for fuck sack how many times do you think you can fucking push me before I fucking jump huh!! Does he fucking what me to jump right now but this is too much I’m so so so so so so angry so so angry fuck it I’m going to the fucking gym kmft.

I love this guy I really do but why does he also have to do this he does he always have to think like this why does he also make me feel so low and make out that I will go to any existent to get what I want! Yes his right but not in everything. So things are important so things are not but I know that I want to live my life to the fullest and I can’t when I feel like he is sometimes holding me back…

Lost and Confused

Yesterday I was confused, this morning I was on the right tracks now I'm lost. I don't know which direction to turn every direction seems to wrong. It's like I'm on a train journey not knowing what my final destination is. I feel like the wind is swinging me left and right like the leaves on the brunches of a tree.

My minds going crazy and I really need it all to stop i really need a comfort zone.

PEELING AWAY

My heart was like a shield that was sealed from the world and then he came along and melted my heart away.

He took the pain away and became my shield. He is the protector of the women he disires.

Making actions

ωнαт ωσυℓ∂ уσυ ∂σ ιf єνєяу тιмє уσυ fєℓℓ ιи ℓσνє уσυ нα∂ тσ ѕαу gσσ∂вує؟

ωнαт ωσυℓ∂ уσυ ∂σ ιf єνєяу тιмє уσυ ωαитє∂ ѕσмєσиє тнєу ωσυℓ∂ иєνєя вє тнєяє؟

ωнαт ωσυℓ∂ уσυ ∂σ ιf уσυя вєѕт fяєιи∂ ∂ιє∂ тσмσяяσω αи∂ уσυ иєνєя gσт тσ тєℓℓ тнєм нσω уσυ fєℓт؟

ωнαт ωσυℓ∂ уσυ ∂σ ιf уσυ ℓσνє∂ ѕσмєσиє мσяє тнαи єνєя αи∂ уσυ ¢συℓ∂ит нανє тнєм؟

ѕσмє ρєσρℓє ℓινє, ѕσмє ρєσρℓє ∂ιє, ѕσмє ρєσρℓє ∂яєαм, ρяαу, нσρє, ωιѕн αи∂ ℓσνє

вυт ι ωαит тσ тєℓℓ уσυ ι ℓιкє уσυ, αи∂ уσυ αяє α νєяу иι¢є fяєιи∂...

ιf ι ∂ιє∂ тσмσяяσω, уσυ ωσυℓ∂ вє ιи му нєαят...

ιf ι ∂ιє∂ ωσυℓ∂ ι вє ιи уσυяѕ؟

ℓσνє fяσм α gιяℓ, נυѕт тяуιиg тσ fιи∂ муѕєℓf χχχ

lose control

I know that if things don't work out i will lose control of my self and everything else that i worked so hard for to become a better person.

For the last 10 months i feel like i've grown into a mature women and become a commited person then i have even been im my life. I've been serious and i've not been messing about with no one, i've taken it every single seriously. People may say actions speak loader then words but who cares! action and speaking mean much more then proving things.

Im living in a path of two directions. One side is telling me if I want to proceeds I need to go the right way about it. The other side is telling me that this is a time where people get serious so why would you be going in a direction where things are unclear and things may or may not be bright. I know if we want to be together is going to be a difficult fight. But is it worth it? because in the end we all know its either me or his family he loses. I know that he will never choose me over his family so either way someone is gonna get hurt. So if I know this why I’m I still going in this direction that is not certain. Does it make sense.

I know anything is possible but how can things be possible if you have not tried to make them possible. I’ve made things possible in my side but taking risks that I never thought were possible. Even though it happened in an unusual way God made it possible and I thank him so much for that. But don't you think it was about time you did your bit?

the one month strictly come feelings duo

I've decided to do a strictly feelings blog for the next one month starting today. I'm hoping that by writing this will give me a solution instead of reminiscing.

Brother hate

His brother has always hated me from the beginning and i guess thats my thought. But you know the dealt with family, if you family don't like a people you with it totally changes everything. But with me I'm a person that can not suck up to someone it's not in my nature. What you see is what you get , i really can't be fake. If someone don't like me i don't care.

But i really did respect his brother and his intentions and did not take any of it personally, he was just a good brother that loved his brother to death and would do anything to protect him from anything and everything he can and i know if he could he would move many mountains and every mountain so that he could see his brother happy . How can you not respect that!

Life with regrets

I'm missing him dearly everyday and every ,it's so hard not being able to speak to him and being able to see him. i know i hurt him and I'm an truly sorry for what i did to him and know in my heart that he will never forget me or believe how sorry i am, but can i really blame. I know that no matter how much i try to fix things it, his mind is already mind up but i don't care i'm going to keep trying with the same intentions i had when i first meet him ' you will never know until you try'. I knew i loved him alot but i never really knew how much i really did until he was gone and now his gone i can't do anything with my self nor talk to anyone about how i feel because nobody understands they just saw a couple that argued a lot, a couple who where the opposites, a couple that didn't have a future because they were to much at stack but theirs more to it. it was we have that kept us together it the influences we have on each other, the fact that we could talk about anything and everything and not looking at each other in a different light nor judging each other in a way others would. He was like family to me he was part of my family and my family loved him and in my family it's always been hard to bring people home because of how they would react but the funny thing is that they didn't react they took time to get to no him which was weird but when i told then the news of the break up they were disappointed because they really liked him and fort it would last. i felt like i disappointed them. i wish i could have the chance to do things different i show him how much i really appreciate having him in my life and wish that i could give him the world that he give me...

Love is pain and pain is love

I feel like shit I went out late night to bury my feelings in the sand but it was the worse night I've had in my life, i just couldn't enjoy myself, i just kept thinking to myself is this what i throw away a life time relationship for. i felt like crap and just could not help but miss him.. for so many years I've been burying my feelings and hiding behind a brick wall mask. it's what makes me stronger it's what makes me move on more quickly with out having to dealing with the hurting and healing season. Don't get me wrong it all does caught up with but it does when I'm ready but the problem is when I'm ready and I've realised, it's already to late..

You may be wondering how the heck I'm talking about .. well i will tell u what I'm talking about. I am so so deeply hurting deeper in ma heart then i ever knew i could ever feel about anyone but it really hurts and i just can't understand why people would fall in love knowing that they may feel this pain later.. is it really worth the hardcore pain that you suffer? the heartache in your soul that is continuous banging on you chest causing you depression to the point that you become vunable and capable of doing something to harm you self???

I was in a 8 month relationship and i was deeply in love. He hated me partying and drinking and hated the fact that i would lie about things just to cover up what i knew he didn't like. I just felt to myself what he don't know would hurt him but i was wrong. Lying is the worse thing u can do and my parent taught me better then that.. i just don't know where it all went wrong and i don't know why i feel i had to lie to him. Me out of all people should no how it feels we people close to you lie. i dealt with it throughout my life. why would i lie to someone i love.

Cut the long story short he told me to choose either him or partying. I fort to my self is his honestly serious.. does he honestly want to throw away what we have just because i party knowing that it would make me unhappy. i just didn't get it but i was ready to do it. i felt that a few hours of dancing is nothing compared to a relationship that could last a life time. but after 2 days i went partying and lied to him again. i truly regret what i did it was not worth it but i can not turn the clock back. i did what i did i I'm paying the price for it. I've now lost him completely and he's cut me off completely. i deserve it for what I've put him though, i let him down i let my self down and i let my family down


you may say it's 8 months how can u be in love already. do you even know what the world love means. i can honestly say to you yes i do and I'm feeling the consequences on a painful breakup. I been in and out of relationships since i was 16 and fort i knew what love was but i was totally wrong. We i first met this guy i thought to myself ..please it will never happen but me being me .. even though i know i will be rejected i will go ahead and do it anyway because anything is possible right.